However Long The Night...

I read this African Proverb on the day I wrote this blog. “However long the night, the dawn will break.” For so long, I could not imagine that to be true, when I pictured my future without you.

It has been two years since you passed Russ and it still feels like yesterday. I think you would be proud of how far I have come. I still often cry when I think of you gone, but now I can speak your name without tears every time.

I can talk about the things you did and said, laughing at funny memories.

Although part of me longs for the life we once had together, I have been able to move forward. I am not great at this new way of living without you, but I am doing, it day by day.

I do know, that if you could, you would be cheering me on.

Looking back, I now appreciate your love for life. Your live-in-the-moment attitude. I must have been so miserable. Always worrying about the future and making plans long in advance. I was never happy to just breathe and take pleasure in the here-and-now. I think that is a gift and one which your passing has brought to me. I don’t always get it right, but I am getting better at it.

On those awful days, when I just wish you were here with me, or I was there with you, I stop and take a breath. I try to think about what you would have been doing, whether working, cycling, running or flying your kite, it would all be done with joy.

I am still finding my way to that place of joy.

That’s the hard part.

Dragging myself out of bed in the morning and struggling through the day, is what I am currently good at. Some days are better than others. I even have days where I really want to get up and get going, although they are rare.

I remember how you loved your job so much, that getting up at three in the morning did not seem to be a hardship for you. I recall that you were an early bird anyway, happy and whistling whatever the time.

Not sure how you coped with me, the night owl. Mornings were always ‘ugh!’ However difficult, you did.

Of all the wonderful memories we shared, the best one for me is still our Saturday mornings. You were up early, to feed our Gucci and all the other stray cats in the complex. When I would surface, usually a good couple of hours after you, I would do a special knock on my bedroom wall. Then I would lie and wait in anticipation for you to pop your head through the door, with a big smile on your face and say, “Ready for your cup of creamy, Hen?”

A cup of creamy is the perfect way you used to make our coffee.

I miss it.

No one else makes coffee the same. Not even me. Perhaps it was love made the difference.

One things I do know, is that this new life would be easier to do if I was well and healthy. Some days the mind is willing, but the body is weak.

I am working on it.

Talking about work, another tough hurdle. Got to earn some money, but not well enough to hold down a nine-to-five job.

Conundrum.

So I took a course in freelance writing online. It is going well and I just completed my first paying gig. Woo hoo! Doing something I love from home. Maybe it doesn’t get any better than this. Nevertheless, I will be content.

However, it does get better! Guess what Pooh? My first novel is going to be published. Yup! The one I told you about, and it seemed so real that you wondered who I was talking about. Found an indie publishing company who is willing to take a chance on me.

So here I am, missing you, but clinging onto this ray of hope for all I am worth.

Maybe I will be able to have a real life again after all. I won’t be homeless and destitute, devastated by grief. I know you did not plan to leave me in a financial pickle. It just happened. Neither of us ever imagined that melanoma cancer would claim your life, long before you were ready to go.

I also know that you would never have wanted to see me struggle the way I have, financially, emotionally or with my health.

This is life.

It happens.

I was the planner. I did not plan for this. You were the one who really lived life and now that is the part I am left with. Living.

Russ, I will try to do it justice. Giving it my best shot. Grateful for the ongoing love and support of family and friends. Blessed to be a child of The Most High God.

I love it when people mention your name, or reminisce with me about you. To me a pain even more cruel than your passing, would be for you to die and your loved ones forget. As long as I have breath and a sound mind, I will remember you. Always.

Today is such a contradiction of emotions. There are the wonderful memories of our wedding and starting our married life together. Now they are overshadowed by your death on such a memorable day. Each year of the future, the first of October will continue to be an anniversary. No longer a celebration of our union, but a mourning of the loss of my husband.

Eish!

Such a South African word.

I say it with a shaking of my head and long expulsion of air. Emphasis on the shhh!

What more is there to say? It is what it is and it will be what it will be. The difference remains in how I do it. Giving it all I’ve got, the best way I know how.

Wish you were at my side to keep on making memories to grow old with.

Not to be.

C’est la vie!

That’s the name of my freelance online writing website. Hope you like it.

Remembering you with love.

In the words of that beautiful hymn by Sanford Fillmore Bennet, till we “meet on that beautiful shore; in the sweet by and by.”

There's a land that is fairer than day,

and by faith we can see it afar;

for the Father waits over the way

to prepare us a dwelling place there.

Refrain:

In the sweet by and by,

we shall meet on that beautiful shore;

in the sweet by and by,

we shall meet on that beautiful shore.

We shall sing on that beautiful shore

the melodious songs of the blest,

and our spirits shall sorrow no more,

not a sigh for the blessing of rest. [Refrain]

To our bountiful Father above,

we will offer our tribute of praise

for the glorious gift of His love,

and the blessings that hallow our days. [Refrain]