Shine On You Crazy Diamond

I recently received a message from one of Russel’s friends, Howard Ogilvie. He had tried a few times to get hold of me and finally sent me a message through Facebook. He repeated what he had said in the message he sent on the day of Russel’s Memorial and I had not got it. He wrote, “Shine on you crazy diamond.” When I read it, I thought, what a beautiful thing to say. Of course, I also cried.

Russ was so well thought of and loved by so many people, both in America and here at home, in South Africa. He truly did sparkle and shine like a crazy diamond. Russel was unique and special and he is sorely missed, in a multitude of ways.

I know that on the day I lost my husband, my son and daughter lost their father, some lost a family member and others an old, dear friend. Russel was special to so many and I dedicate this one-year anniversary blog to all who loved and lost so much when Russ passed away. Although a lot of people kept in contact at first and encouraged my posts and blogs, that support has sadly waned to the odd few people responding, clearly tired of hearing about my pain and grief and loss.

It has been most obvious to me, during this time, that the common consensus is that there should be an end to grief. Somehow, indescribable pain should ease, if not completely disappear. The loss of not only another human being, but a beloved one, should be accepted as part of life and the bereaved person should simply move on. Well, I am here to tell anyone who reads my blog, that this is definitely not the case and every person who mourns the passing of a loved one, has their own journey to travel in their own personal way.

I have been devastated by the loss of Russ. My heart has been shattered. I never imagined that this could be so incredibly agonizing and grief so unrelenting. Not that I don’t think I will ever feel better, because I believe that I will. However, not in anyone else’s time but my own. Slowly and painfully, I am putting the pieces of my heart and my life back together. The process is difficult and mourning has been debilitating. I am beginning to accept my reality and the truth of Russel’s passing, nevertheless I am forever changed. Not only by the marriage that I had with Russ, but also dealing with the fact that my husband and the father of my children is forever gone from this life, and however much I may wish it was not so, it is.

Apart from some of my close friends and family, you know who you are, who have supported me through thick and thin, I want to say a special thank you to a few of Russel’s friends who have kept in contact. Not only did they want to check how I was doing, but also to talk about Russ themselves, because they miss their friend. To Trevor Ward, Martin Loewenstein and Howard Ogilvie, I say thank you for remembering Russel with me.

I think of our friends, Sharon and Paul Bencivengo, Tom and Renee Hughes as well as Marv and Joan Borne, in America, who have kept in touch over these many long months. Joan wrote and told me that they planted a flowering Crape Myrtle tree in your honour, Russ, just outside our old condo, where the Loquat tree used to be. I know you would have loved it. Maybe one day I will get the chance to go and visit our friends and see it in person. Joan is going to send me photographs when it flowers and I look forward to seeing them.

I am still struggling to move forward without you Russ. I am not sure how to do this happily and without angst. I know that I cannot go on while I am still looking back and hankering for the past. Our life together is over and done, because death is final and there is not one darn thing I can do to change that and bring you back. I long for you and the life we had, but it is keeping me tied to the past and I need to set myself free. I can never have that life again and I have to find my way to a new normal. I am sad and lonely without you Russ.

I miss Friday nights shopping at Walmart and outings on Saturday mornings. I miss trips to the Cracker Barrel, as well as the Celtic Ray Irish Pub and Fisherman’s Village in Punta Gorda. I miss the Town Mall of Port Charlotte, Dillards, Bealls, Sears, JC Penney and Macy’s. After a wander about, we would have lunch at the food court and then go home for coffee. I miss shopping at other places like Target and Michael’s, as well as Bed, Bath and Beyond. We always went together, you and I.

I miss taking a stroll along the canal in the complex or going out for a meal with our friends, Sharon and Paul, Tom and Renee or Marv and Joan, to mention a few. I miss the peace and quiet of our lovely little condo. It was so perfect for the two of us. I miss watching Gucci play hide and seek with you and her snuggling on your left shoulder when you went to sleep.

I miss our outings to Stump Pass and Engelwood beaches, enjoying the beautiful sand and warm waters of The Gulf. I miss watching you fly your kite, even though it had to be in gale-force winds, with me wrapped up in towels and hanging onto my chair and the umbrella for dear life.

So many things I miss and long for, our life, that I will never have again, now that you are forever gone. So sad. I hate the nights I dream of you. So many times I thought you were home, only to wake up and realise once more that you are gone and never coming back.

I miss talking to you about Gucci, our children and our potential future. We were always discussing plans. Now I have no one to talk to. Life just happens and most of the time, not the way I would like it to be. Which is one of the reasons I am at Champagne Castle Hotel alone, because nobody wants to do things the way you and I did them. Now you are gone, so I either have to do them on my own or not at all. I am not flexible. I hate change and it has been forced on me due to the circumstances of your death. Now I have to make choices that I never otherwise would have done. Even now, I live someone else’s life, never my own. My first choice would have been living your life with you. It’s all I knew.

As I now move past the one-year anniversary of your death, my beloved husband. I will move forward and create a new life, find a new normal, never to forget you or the life we shared together. I cannot keep wishing that you were back here with me. Firstly, in reality that does not happen, regardless of how Big and Able I believe my God to be, but also because it would not be fair to you. Right now, you are enjoying the wonders of heaven and probably would not ever want to leave that all behind for the life you once had on earth. I just pray that you will know how much you were loved and how greatly you are missed, especially by me. You were a unique and special person. To echo the thoughts of your dear friend and the title of this blog, “Shine on you crazy diamond.”