What I Learned From Russ

During a recent session with someone helping me to dealing with the effects of anxiety in my body, brought about due to the trauma of Russel’s illness and ultimately his passing, I was given a writing exercise to complete on the above topic.

Having experienced a complex, complicated and difficult marriage, for many reasons, I had never thought specifically about all the things I had learned from Russ as a person and in our relationship. This was such a positive moment for me that I decided to add this journaling to my blog.

The very first thing that came to mind, and I am not sure I have ever actually achieved it, is to live in the moment. Russel’s attitude to life was to take each day as it came along and just enjoy it. He did not think or worry too much about the future and to him, the past was exactly that, time that we had lived through, never to be repeated or returned to.

Russ had a number of outdoor hobbies which he loved to pursue: running, cycling, swimming and flying his kite. If he could, he would try and do at least one of them every day. Whatever else happened in a day, at the very least he would have participated in one very pleasant hobby that he had enjoyed.

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Russel taught me to laugh, a lot. I was a very serious young woman when we met and through his wonderful sense of humour, I learned to not take

myself quite so seriously and to let my hair down a little. Through his illness, reasons to laugh and moments of hilarity were few and far between, nevertheless he still retained his sense of humour until the end.

He knew how to make other people feel special. Whenever he would interact with anyone, Russ always asked how they were doing and about their lives. He showed an interest in others regardless of how he was feeling. He never cared for gossip and did not concern himself with what others thought of him. He made an effort to see the good in everyone.

Socially, Russel was very friendly. He enjoyed chatting to people and interacting with them in a relaxed casual way. His positive attitude to life and others, gained him many dear friends over the years. Most of the people who knew Russ appreciated his fun approach to life, his positive attitude and innate friendliness. He did not take life too seriously and simply made the best of every day.

He also taught me to be a kind and helpful person. This came naturally to Russel and he was always ready to lend a hand in time of need. He was the kind of person friends could call on in a time of trouble.

Russ was a busy and active person. If he was not working, then he did something he took pleasure in. He was never lazy, but he did know the importance of rest. He knew how to relax and unwind. He was very independent and self-sufficient. A hard worker and a good provider. He was never tardy with his chores.

Above all, he was very much uniquely himself at all times, from his specific clothing styles to his personal sayings. For all of our married life, Russ wore Levi Jeans, name brand shoes and Jockey Skants. His other favourite clothing items were Polyshorts for running and other really short shorts, especially his dearly beloved name brand, Mean Season. The only item of clothing he would wear in any colour and style, as long as it had a high neckband, was a T-shirt. Russel would wear name brands or hand-me-downs and he did not care one bit if they were fashionable. In every way, for his fifty-seven years on earth, he stayed true to himself.

Russ was good at caring for his body in most ways, cleanliness, eating right and exercising. Sadly, his love for the outdoors and maintaining a Florida suntan, were his undoing. During his illness, he was never a complainer. Even when I asked Russel directly how he was feeling, he always told me that he was fine. Even though I wanted to be there for him, I know that he tried not to worry me and did not want to put me to any trouble or add to my own distress.

It was only towards the end of his life that my husband directly asked me for anything. At one point Russ told me that he was sometimes lonely and asked me to spend more time with him, even if he was sleeping. He felt better if he opened his eyes to see me sitting next to him in a chair on my computer, or reading a book.

It broke my heart to realise, that this once loner man, needed me and I had not known until he told me. If I had to do it all over again, I would do it in a heart-beat. If I could go back, I would want Russ to be healed, whole and healthy, living life to the full the way he always had. I cannot have this wish fulfilled, however I can say that I did indeed learn a lot from my husband and it was an honour and a privilege to care for him through his battle with cancer, until he passed away.

I still miss you so much Russ, but every day I try a little harder to let go of the past and live a fulfilling life now with the lessons you taught me. We all get one life to live and I will do my best to enjoy the rest of my days on earth for both of us. Love, Hen xoxo