The Firsts Of Everything

This grief journey has been so confusing, and often overwhelming, for me. I basically muddled through the first year of Russel’s passing, numb and in shock through October and November, then we were in December 2015. Many times I thought to myself things like, “This is the first Christmas, I will get through it and the next one will be better.” Right now, we are only a couple of months out from Christmas 2016 and I am absolutely dreading it with every fibre of my being.

I did not do a traditional Christmas in 2015, instead I spent the day with my dear friend, Ingrid. I was so touched by her kindness and thoughtfulness in the light of my anxiety about that day. It was lovely to share a meal and special moments remembering our childhood with Ingrid and her family. We watched videos of ourselves as children, because we grew up together, and had been friends and neighbours for a time, until we reconnected at high school.

I can certainly say that Ingrid has been one of those people, who has shone a light into my darkness during this past year. Even if she did not understand everything I have been going through, Ingrid just accepted me in my hurting place and constantly reached out to check if I was okay. I am so grateful that God brought Ingrid back into my life in 2009. She has been such a blessing to me.

New Year was never a big occasion in the Harrison household and I recall spending very few clock-turning, midnight moments with Russ, so that was not such a big deal from a celebration point of view. However, it was very sobering to think about the fact that I would be facing the year 2016 without Russ. It was also the anniversary date of Russel’s father Alex’s passing in 2007.

Putting one foot in front of the other, I stumbled through January, somewhat relieved to get to the end of the first month of my first new year without Russel. I hit a small wobbly on my birthday in February. Another first after his passing and got through it. Part of me felt as if I wanted to forget everything. Never to remember another birthday, anniversary or moment shared with Russ, because it was so painful to live through them without him.

At the end of February, I did something I have never done before, I went on a cruise with some family members and it was good to make memories of something new, which did not constantly remind me of my life with Russel. The only thing that did make me think of us in Florida, was swimming in the beautiful Indian Ocean off Portuguese Island. The water was so warm and enjoyable, that it reminded me somewhat of the Gulf Coast waters, where Russ and I had enjoyed many visits to Engelwood and Stump Pass beaches.

March arrived all too quickly, bringing with it a great deal of anxiety for me, anticipating the date set aside to scatter Russel’s ashes. Our immediate family members, spent a few days on the weekend of 20th March at Champagne Castle. We spent time remembering Russ, scattering his ashes and taking some walks through the beautiful mountains in his memory. It was very difficult for me. I was not emotionally ready to take this step, but it was too late to back out. I also struggled because I was not able to do everything the way Russ and I would have done it. Nevertheless, I got through it and the occasion brought closure to some family members and it was a stepping-stone moving forward on my journey.

The month of April was mostly characterised by work and the significant event of Rev. Chunky Young’s memorial. His sudden and untimely passing was another horrid shock. We had been quite close to Chunky and his late wife, Wendy, for a time when they ministered at the First Presbyterian Church in Springs. It also brought with it the heartbreaking memory of Russel’s brain seizure, which had taken place on April 19th, 2014.

Life happens and I cannot seem to forget, even if I want to. My grief-addled brain can barely recall a three-item shopping list, but can remember in detail moments in time, spent with my late husband. The anniversary of our engagement on the 1st of May, brought fresh pain and longing for the life I once had.

By this time, I was seven months into mourning the loss of Russel and I just kept thinking that everything will get better when I have made it through the first year of grief. I could not have been more wrong. If anything, the longer I have been alone, the more I have fully realised and understood all that I have lost in Russ and the life we had together.

There will be no more travelling overseas, with me crossing oceans and continents to be with Russel in Florida, USA, and leaving my family behind in South Africa. That is one thing I am grateful for. I am no longer separated from my family by thousands of miles.

However, I do recall fondly, and now with wry amusement, the number of times Russ was late fetching me from an airport. I must admit that I was forever changing my landing destinations and Russel always tried to accommodate my plans. I clearly remember the time Russ was late fetching me at Fort Myers airport and I saw him running through baggage claim to find me. His hair was so long, it was flying out behind him. He found me in tears holding my heavy suitcases, crying because I was all alone and I could not get hold of him. He made it, albeit a little late. I was so relieved to see my “wild man from Borneo.”

On another occasion, Russel was picking me up in Orlando. We had arranged a place to meet and as soon as I cleared customs, I dutifully arrived at the designated meeting point. No Russ. I bought a phone card and tried to call him on his cell phone. Got voice mail. I decided to walk around the airport, keeping my eyes ever on the original meeting spot. No joy. After much aimless wandering. I decided to buy another phone card, as I had lost the first one, to call his cell phone again. Just as I was dialing the number, Russel went running past me to our pre-arranged meeting spot. I ran after him calling his name and collapsed in his arms crying. I was so worried that something had happened to him. Turns out he forgot his cell phone in the car and he decided to meet me at baggage claim to help me with my luggage, rather than to go straight to the meeting place. Anyhow, it all worked out and I was so very happy to see him.

After May, June came which brought with it a mixed bag of emotions. It was the anniversary of Russel’s late mother, Toni’s birthday on the 7th, our daughter, Aileen’s birthday on the 12th and my mother, Nancy’s birthday on the 30th. On the day before, 29th June, it was the 13th anniversary of Toni’s passing. A surprising revelation to me as I wrote this blog, having barely comprehended before this that so much time has passed.

Nothing earth-shattering took place in July, except for me remembering the months of preparation to leave America when Russ was sick and finally landing back in SA on July 2nd, 2014. This was also the month that Russel has his first appointment with the oncologist and I know it gave him a small glimmer of hope.

Finally the months turned into August and it was the 9th. It would have been Russel’s 58th birthday. I felt so sad that such a young, vibrant man was cut down in his prime. I struggled through the anniversary of the first birthday Russ would be spending in heaven.

Slowly moving forward, we crept into September and I had recollections of 28 years before, preparing for our wedding. It was such a happy time. We discussed wedding plans and our honeymoon. I had my dress made by my sister, Deb, and she and my Mom made the bridesmaids’ and flower girls’ dresses. We bought Russel a smart suit. It all felt like yesterday.

Then it was the anniversary of our wedding weekend. Russ and I were married on October 1st, 1988. We spent the first night of our honeymoon at the Harrismith Holiday Inn. From Sunday, 2nd October, until Friday the 7th of October, we honeymooned at Champagne Castle Hotel. A lovely holiday resort, which quickly became our forever favourite place.

This year, 2016, one year after Russel’s passing and the weekend which we would have celebrated twenty eight years married, I went to Champagne Castle alone. It was still beautiful, but very sad. I missed Russel’s company so much.

Saturday, 1 October, 2016, marked the end of the first year of Russel passing. Nothing will ever be the same again without him. A whole year, spent missing my late husband and longing for him to come back to me. I know that it cannot be and I will have to wait for heaven to see him again, but it does not change my feelings.

I have been very lonely, not just for random company, but a special someone, like my Russ, to spend my time with. A few people have mentioned the possibility of meeting someone else to be my companion and share my life. However, I am not very optimistic about my chances. What man would be even vaguely interested in a mess? Sadly I don’t mean a hot mess, I mean a sad, miserable, crying mess. Anyhow, it would be so hard for that person to follow in Russel’s shoes that I fear such a man does not even exist. Anyhow, here I go, onward ho!

As I finish writing this blog, the rain is bucketing down. It is almost as if heaven is crying with me as I look back mournfully over the last year I have spent grieving my loss of Russ. I know that my Father in heaven sees my tears and collects them in a bottle. God feels my pain and is in it with me. Slowly I am on the path to recovery, one step at a time and I do know that I am not alone, because the Lord is carrying me.

And time marches on, stopping for no man…