On This Journey With God

For nearly four years now, I have been on a particular journey with God. Why it has included the death of my husband, I do not know. Perhaps God has allowed it because of the people whose lives have intersected with mine during this time. Some of them have experienced the same struggles I have, and we have connected through my blogs. My writing about this journey has resulted in a number of people reaching out to me privately, to confirm that my words have indeed touched them in some way.

For some folk it has been a revelation regarding the effects of deep, devastating sorrow. It has allowed them insight into the way grief affects everyone differently. There are others who have written to me about their experience of the decease of a child, a relationship or a marriage. Not everyone has lost a spouse to death, but many have experienced loss in a way that has had a profound effect on them. It has forever changed them.

I know that not only has the passing away of Russel, changed my life irrevocably, but it has also changed me. Right now, it may not all appear to be good change, with regard to the negative aspects. However, I am reminded of my early counseling sessions with Anneliese and she told me that a negative situation or emotions do not necessarily make a negative person. The feelings are what they are and I must own them and deal with them, but try not to camp there.

Anneliese also pointed out the positive. During my profound grief counseling, she helped me to see that I am essentially a strong person, even though I appear to be going through a period of helplessness. Anneliese pointed out that in order to cope with what I have been through, I have had to dig deep into my well of strength to survive this trauma and not be a basket case.

I have felt shattered within, especially during the last nine months. Nevertheless, I am still here to tell my tale, and gradually getting stronger, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I believe that God is the glue that has kept all my broken pieces in place. Now, in His Mighty Power, He is bringing all those bits together and making a new me. I will be forever different to the old me, but hopefully in good ways.

One thing I know for sure, is that I cannot perceive the reality of another person’s journey without walking in their shoes. The things I have managed with ease, could be major stumbling blocks for some people. While the things I have struggled with could be confusing to others who have not walked my path. It is not for me to judge or for others to judge me. We are all individually responsible for how we live this life on earth, particularly with regard to our spiritual walk.

There is not one of us who will someday stand before the throne of God and be able to speak for another. The testimony of our lives has to be given by each of us alone. It will not be possible to skate into heaven hanging onto anyone else’s coat tails. Every human being will have to give an account for themselves as to what they have done with this gift of life.

For me, it is all about my relationship with Jesus. I am His beloved and He is mine. I believe, that because Christ gave up His life as a sacrifice for my own, I can have an intimate relationship with Father God. Do I sometimes feel as if I am walking alone? Yes. Do I ever think my prayers are bouncing off the ceiling straight back to me? Indeed I do. Are there times when I have questioned God? Absolutely. That does not make me less of a Christian. It simply makes me human.

Even my tears do not make me a pathetic Christian. Psalm 56:8 “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” (NLT) It is often in those moments, when I have sobbed until utterly exhausted and I am at the end of myself, that I feel God is with me. I can almost imagine His arms cradling me as I listen to His heartbeat of love for me. Because it is in that quiet aftermath of pain, that I can be still and know that “He is God.”

I believe that I am not meant to be more than human. I am meant to be a follower of Christ who intercedes for me before God and enables me to have a relationship with my Heavenly Father. Philippians 1:6 “And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” (NLT)

It is Christ living in me who is strong. The Lord works through the weak, by the power of the Holy Spirit, when we allow Him to. God gives us free will to choose. He does not barge into our lives uninvited. It is up to me to ask the Lord to come into my heart and take control. I have no righteousness to call mine, except that which is given to me through Jesus. I am the righteousness of God in Christ. 2 Corinthians 5:21 “God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” (NIV)

My life is in Your Hands, Lord, because I have given it to You. I thank You for Your grace towards me, which is sufficient for each day and pray that I will be an extension of Your grace to others. Leaning not on my own understanding. Help me to love others, just as You have loved me. “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7 (NIV)

I pray for all who read my blog that you will experience the peace that God provides, described as Shalom Peace ~ completeness, wholeness, health, peace, welfare, safety, soundness, tranquility, prosperity, perfectness, fullness, rest, harmony, the absence of agitation or discord. Amen

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