Grief & Depression Have Changed Me

No fancy title for this blog. In fact, I did not really even know how to begin, except to make two statements. Depression might not always affect a person’s experience of grief, which is something every person faces upon the death of a loved one. However, in my case depression has changed me, and therefore directly affected my experience of grief and death.

The first time I have ever seen an earthly body without their spirit was seeing Russel. It was extremely traumatizing. That is the last mental image I have of Russ and it has haunted me over these past many months. I felt as if I was in a horrific nightmare. Denying to myself that it could really be true. A human being died on my watch. Someone I love left their physical body forever.

A few of my friends have expressed surprise at how deeply the loss of Russel has affected me. I don’t think anyone was more shocked than me. I had months to prepare myself for that eventuality and even thought I had done so. However, I was still believing for a healing miracle, so that did affect my mental attitude to one of expecting Russ to survive his battle with cancer.

A few weeks before Russel passed, I had taken him to our GP for a “pep-up” drip, to give him a boost. While we were there, Russ said to her, “Doc, I thought I would be feeling better by now.” I could see shock register in her eyes, but she did not say anything. After making Russel comfortable, the doctor took me to another room and said, “Does he know he is going to die?”

We had a conversation about the fact that Russ knew he was facing a death sentence, but preferred to think that he was going to beat cancer. He also refused to talk about it. Russel was positive about his situation and remained that way almost until the end.

When Russ passed away, I realised that I was the one who was not actually prepared for his death. I too had clung fervently to the hope of his survival and had not truly considered a different future. I simply lived each day in the belief for a miracle and took care of Russel in the moment. It was too hard to think ahead in the midst of his suffering.

At first, I think I was experiencing grief the way many people do and feeling the pain of my loss, but not processing it. As I moved into the various stages of crisis, I went from denial to anger and back again. Then I fell into a deep depression. I did not know how to go on.

It has only been in recent years, that we discovered that I had actually struggled with depression for decades. During our married life, both Russ and I were pretty sure that there was something wrong with me, I had too many issues to deal with. However, it was only in 2013 that I finally got some treatment for depression and began to experience life differently.

Then, in April 2014, Russel was diagnosed with terminal cancer and the trauma set me right back where I started. In that situation, I could not even think about me, or what I was going thru. All my focus was on Russ and taking care of him. My own health and well-being took a back seat. They were right at the bottom of my to-do list.

As anyone who struggles with depression will tell you, it made our situation much more difficult. I battled with energy and I was constantly fatigued. Just getting out of bed in the morning was dreadful. Nevertheless, I did it for Russel and forced myself to do things that sometimes felt utterly impossible.

My life and focus consisted of taking care of Russ, our home and our cat, Gucci. The tasks seemed endless and sadly, by night time, when Russel was at his most alert, I was on the verge of collapsing. When we could have spent some quality time together in the evenings, sometimes we did, but mostly I was just wanting to sit in my comfortable chair in the lounge and rest.

Russ would call his friends around the world and I sat exhausted, listening to him have wonderful conversations with others. The things he never said to me, I heard him say to other people. How he was feeling and what he was going thru. What Russel hoped and believed for the future. If he was sad or in pain, I learned about it while he spoke to his friends. Russ hardly ever opened up to me. It broke my heart.

The truth of the matter is, that Russel never really wanted to be married. At least that is what he admitted to me at one point, many years ago. Other than moving to America, he did not essentially leave me. It was not that he did not want to be married to me, he just wanted to be a bachelor. So he relocated to another continent and decided that he would stay married to me from a distance. I often shared my deep feelings with Russ, but in 28 years, he never shared his with me.

Right up until the end of his life, I was discovering things about Russel that I never knew. Part of it, I know, was to save my feelings, but it meant that Russ was not always honest with me about his. All the time he worked in Port Charlotte, I thought he was unhappy in his job. Turned out that he loved his job, the place he worked, and the people. He would have gone back in a heartbeat. Russel lived and worked in America for fourteen years, longer than the twelve years we were married before he left.

I lived those fourteen years in limbo. Never really wanting to settle in Florida, because my family and children were in South Africa, I struggled. We had many discussions about the future. I wanted to move to the UK, it was closer to home and we had extended family and friends there. Russ had agreed, but made no real plans to get there.

In the end, once more, Russel had just been saying what I wanted to hear. All he wanted to do was go back to Port Charlotte. He talked about that at length with a few of his friends there and I heard the conversations. I even found lists with his plans to get back to America. So I know that Russ firmly believed that he would survive and return to where his heart was.

It was still a shock. We had talked about plans for the future and they did not include going back to America. Not for me. I realised in those last couple of weeks, that I was married to a complete stranger. I knew things about Russel, his helpfulness, kindness and sense of humour. He was athletic, loved the outdoors, running, cycling, flying his kite and cats. He enjoyed the beach, ocean and mountains. He liked to eat liquorice and peanuts. His favourite coffee was his own and he called it a “cup of creamy.” Russ did make the best coffee.

Russel like to save things, like the van, which actually started falling apart from lack of use. He bought loads of Levi jeans, plain T-shirts and good running shoes that he never got to wear. But there was no genuine intimacy, a sharing of hearts’ longings or deep feelings for one another. That was all on my side, with me always wanting more from Russ. I do know that Russel very much loved his children and me, in his own way.

My personal experience is of grief plus other factors contributing to my coping with my loss of a loved one. It has been greatly affected by my battle with depression. It has also been coloured by the fact that in losing a spouse, my entire life has changed. What I had, will never be again. My circumstances, physically, mentally, emotionally and financially have been directly affected by Russel’s death.

I am painfully aware that many people are unable to relate to how I am feeling and to accept what I am going thru as my truth. In some instances ignorance is bliss, but not helpful. Knowledge is powerful and can make life meaningful if you genuinely try to understand what others are going through and to show you care. Not a lot of people know what to do, but it is possible to learn how to treat someone who is grieving and actually help them to feel truly cared for. As the late Maya Angelou once said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

I hope I can follow Maya Angelou’s philosophy in the future. Now that I know more about grief and mourning, I will be able to identify with others who have lost loved ones and hopefully find words to uplift and encourage them, without offering platitudes. If not, perhaps a warm hug and the ability to sit in silence with the one in pain, simply sharing the burden of the moment will be enough. I pray for God’s wisdom and His leading, because He knows best. My faith is in You Lord. Praise, honour and glory to The Most High God.

#grief #Marriage #feelings #depression #mourning