What More Could I Have Done?

Having lost a loved one to cancer, it must be said that my faith in my Heavenly Father has definitely been tried and tested. I could not believe that, on our 27th wedding anniversary, 1 October 2015, Russel passed away, instead of being raised up from his sick bed by a miracle from God. I had put everything on the line for my conviction in Christ. I prayed, in faith, believing that Russ would be healed. I asked others to pray, believing that at least one person, if not our combined efforts, would produce sufficient faith for Russel’s healing miracle.

Instead, Russ died and not only was my heart crushed and broken, but my mustard seed faith in God appeared to have not been enough. I questioned the Lord, “Okay, if my faith was not enough to save Russel’s earthly life, then what about those around me, who have strong faith, like my son, Michael? Why could his faith not gain for us the miracle of Russel’s healing?”

I did not receive an immediate answer to these questions. Instead, slowly, over time, I have come to a small understanding about God’s plan in this situation. Because if there was a single thing I could have done to keep Russ here on earth with me, I would have done it. I did everything I felt was laid on my heart to do.

If I read a Christian article about someone being healed through praising God, I did it. I walked up and down my cottage, arms in the air, quietly singing praise songs, so as not to disturb Russel. Even when I sat in my chair alone in the lounge, I had praise music playing most of the time. One time, I believe that I was led to walk around the outside of my cottage seven times praising the Lord. I did it. I sang in my special prayer language.

I anointed Russ with oil, also his pillows and bedding, the walls, windows and doors of his room. I anointed a prayer cloth, prayed over it during one of my Remembrance of Christ communions and placed it inside the pillowcase of Russel’s pillow. Anything he came into contact with I anointed. Except for our cat, Gucci. Now I forgot about that. Maybe I should have anointed her too!

I did not leave it there. I had church elders, in the form of my Mom, Dad and their friend, Chippie pray over Russel and she also anointed him with oil. One of the church ministers had been to our home and shared communion with us and prayed for Russel.

Someone else had received a healing miracle by partaking of communion three times a day. I did it, standing in proxy for Russ and focusing on Christ and His finished work of the cross. I recited the Bible verses Isaiah 53:5 “But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.” (KJV) I claimed these promises for Russ.

I downloaded an e-book of Bible verses regarding healing from a Christian website and read them aloud, alone and over Russel. I meditated on the verses and claimed them for Russ. I know that I did not do everything right, but I do believe that God sees our hearts and it is upon that truth that He acts, not for following some kind of faith “formula.” If all this was simply about trusting the Lord, then Russel would have been healed and here with us today.

Don’t get me wrong, I had my moments of unbelief and I prayed for God to help me. Mark 9:24 “Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (NIV) In this Bible story, the father of a deaf and mute boy inhabited by an unclean spirit, asked Jesus if he could heal his son. To which Christ replied, “‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.” Mark 9:23 (NIV) When the man asked Christ to help him overcome his unbelief, Jesus commanded the evil spirit to leave the boy and never trouble him again. So I prayed for Russel’s healing and asked my Heavenly Father to help me in my unbelief and to increase my faith.

I turned to the Bible story about the Centurion who came to Jesus asking for healing for his servant. Matthew 8:5-13 “When Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help. “Lord,” he said, “my servant lies at home paralyzed, suffering terribly.” Jesus said to him, “Shall I come and heal him?” The centurion replied, “Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, ‘Go,’ and he goes; and that one, ‘Come,’ and he comes. I say to my servant, ‘Do this,’ and he does it.” When Jesus heard this, he was amazed and said to those following him, “Truly I tell you, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith. I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven. But the subjects of the kingdom will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth." Then Jesus said to the centurion, “Go! Let it be done just as you believed it would.” And his servant was healed at that moment.”” I knew at that time, that Russel did not have faith in the Lord, and so I believed I could stand in his place before Christ, just as the centurion did for his servant.

The verses in Luke 5:17-26 also came to my mind, regarding the four friends who opened up the roof of a house to lower a paralyzed man down to Jesus to seek healing. “17 On one of the days while Jesus was teaching, some proud religious law-keepers and teachers of the Law were sitting by Him. They had come from every town in the countries of Galilee and Judea and from Jerusalem. The power of the Lord was there to heal them. 18 Some men took a man who was not able to move his body to Jesus. He was carried on a bed. They looked for a way to take the man into the house where Jesus was. 19 But they could not find a way to take him in because of so many people. They made a hole in the roof over where Jesus stood. Then they let the bed with the sick man on it down before Jesus. 20 When Jesus saw their faith, He said to the man, “Friend, your sins are forgiven.” 21 The teachers of the Law and the proud religious law-keepers thought to themselves, “Who is this Man Who speaks as if He is God? Who can forgive sins but God only?” 22 Jesus knew what they were thinking. He said to them, “Why do you think this way in your hearts? 23 Which is easier to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or, ‘Get up and walk’? 24 “So that you may know the Son of Man has the right and the power on earth to forgive sins,” He said to the man who could not move his body, “I say to you, get up. Take your bed and go to your home.” 25 At once the sick man got up in front of them. He took his bed and went to his home thanking God. 26 All those who were there were surprised and gave thanks to God, saying, “We have seen very special things today.”

I even prayed Hezekiah’s prayer in 2 Kings 20:1-11 (NIV) “In those days Hezekiah became ill and was at the point of death. The prophet Isaiah son of Amoz went to him and said, “This is what the Lord says: Put your house in order, because you are going to die; you will not recover.” 2 Hezekiah turned his face to the wall and prayed to the Lord, 3 “Remember, Lord, how I have walked before you faithfully and with wholehearted devotion and have done what is good in your eyes.” And Hezekiah wept bitterly. 4 Before Isaiah had left the middle court, the word of the Lord came to him: 5 “Go back and tell Hezekiah, the ruler of my people, ‘This is what the Lord, the God of your father David, says: I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you. On the third day from now you will go up to the temple of the Lord. 6 I will add fifteen years to your life. And I will deliver you and this city from the hand of the king of Assyria. I will defend this city for my sake and for the sake of my servant David.’” 7 Then Isaiah said, “Prepare a poultice of figs.” They did so and applied it to the boil, and he recovered. 8 Hezekiah had asked Isaiah, “What will be the sign that the Lord will heal me and that I will go up to the temple of the Lord on the third day from now?” 9 Isaiah answered, “This is the Lord’s sign to you that the Lord will do what he has promised: Shall the shadow go forward ten steps, or shall it go back ten steps?” 10 “It is a simple matter for the shadow to go forward ten steps,” said Hezekiah. “Rather, have it go back ten steps.” 11 Then the prophet Isaiah called on the Lord, and the Lord made the shadow go back the ten steps it had gone down on the stairway of Ahaz.”

Now I know that Russel had not served the Lord faithfully, neither have I in human terms, but I believe in Jesus as my Lord and Saviour and I understand that am the righteousness of God in Christ. This is to be found in 2 Corinthians 5:21 (NIV) “God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.” So claiming Christ’s righteousness as my own, to cleanse me from all sin, I prayed boldly to my Heavenly Father to heal Russel, from the top of his head to the soles of his feet. I prayed that He would heal every cell, and the function of every cell, in every organ and part of his body, both inside and out. I told that cancer to leave, in Jesus’ Name.

Night after night, I knelt before the Lord on my bad knees until they could hold me no more. I lay flat on the floor on my face before God, crying and pouring my heart out to Him, until I could not breathe or speak, but simply lay sobbing at the feet of Christ. I begged him to heal Russel. I even bartered with God. I was willing to trade my life for Russ. I had accepted Jesus as my Lord and Saviour when I was thirteen years old. I have been longing to go to heaven for over forty years.

I cannot for one moment imagine, that my loving God looked down upon this broken, desperate woman, sobbing at His feet, and said, “It is not enough. She is not doing it right. Her praise and worship is not good enough. Too many tears. Not sufficient fasting or praying. Her mustard seed of faith is too small. I cannot help with her unbelief. She wasn’t a good wife. Barbara did not love her husband the way she should have and she did not try hard enough. Now that she is completely crushed and totally focused on Me, I will destroy her trust in Me by taking her husband anyway.”

The morning Russel died, my heart was shattered. I could not believe it. It simply could not be true that he was gone. We were going to have a healing miracle! I believed for it. So many others were believing with me for one. How could this happen? What had gone wrong? What had I done wrong?

The evening before Russ passed away, I felt that I needed to keep fighting for his soul, even though he had given his life to Jesus two weeks before. I wanted him healed, whole and healthy, here with me on earth. I had talked with him and held his hand, but he was not communicating well and it made me sad. So I spent the night reading healing Bible verses over Russel. I sang “Jesus Loves Me” to him, over and over. Probably drove him nuts, but I needed to believe it and keep affirming it in my heart.

I lay down on the bed next to him for a time, resting my hand gently on his emaciated arm, begging him not to leave me. He could not even respond. After a long time, I got cold and sleepy, so I decided to get up and have some coffee to keep me awake. I sat at Russel’s bedside, late into the night. When I realised it was after 12 midnight, I stood up and looked Russ in the eyes. I held is face gently in my hands and I said to him. “Happy Anniversary my love. We made it to twenty seven years. I want to live with you for at least another twenty seven and more. I am still believing for a miracle and all I want is for you to ask me for a cup of coffee in the morning. I love you.” And I kissed his forehead. Even though he was highly medicated, I saw a flicker of something in his eyes. He knew what I was saying. He wanted to respond, but he could not. So I had to let it go and just tell him it was okay.

I switched off the main bedroom lights. Only the soft glow from the light on his machine was on and I sat next to Russ, holding his hand and singing softly to him. He seemed very relaxed, in spite of his laboured breathing. Eventually I thought I needed to lie down for a bit with my hot bags for my sore back. This was about 3am. After about an hour my back felt a bit better and I checked on Russel before going to heat up the hot bags again. This time I lay down with the hot bags and, despite the coffee, I dozed off. I awoke ninety minutes later to find that Russ had passed away.

That was the most terrifying moment in my whole life. I could never have imagined Russel’s body as a shell without him in it. It was horrible. His face did not look peaceful. His eyes and mouth were wide open as if he had cried out, but I had not heard him utter a sound. The rest of his body was as he always lay, with his hand resting on his chest. I don’t know what he thought or what he went through in the hours leading up to that moment. I just hope he was not in any pain and that he knew I loved him.

Even then, I did not want to give up and I talked to God about Lazarus. Christ had raised his dear friend Lazarus from the dead. John 11:38-43 “38 Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. 39 “Take away the stone,” he said. “But, Lord,” said Martha, the sister of the dead man, “by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.” 40 Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?” 41 So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. 42 I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.” 43 When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” 44 The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face. Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.”” I pleaded with God to bring Russel back from the dead, just has He had done for Lazarus. He did not.

Up until I received Russel’s ashes, I kept praying that wherever his body lay, he would be raised from the dead and returned to me. After that I had nights where I would lie on the floor hugging the box of ashes, begging God to raise Russ from those ashes. He did not.

I don’t understand why Russel had to die. I probably never will. I simply have to trust that God knows what He is doing and that it was time for Russ to go to heaven. Only He knows why. Our Heavenly Father has a plan for each every one of us, it says in Jeremiah 29:11 “11“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”” He has set eternity in our hearts and that is where we will see our loved ones again I believe, if we have made the right choices to get us to that everlasting future with God. I know I will see Russ again in heaven and I hope it won’t be too long.

Two weeks after receiving Christ into his heart Russ was in that heavenly place, with his Lord and Saviour for all eternity. Here I am, a Christian for over forty years and longing to go to heaven. Truthfully, I have been believing for the rapture to happen for many years and that I am going to fly through the sky to my eternal forever home. For me, that day can’t come soon enough. I will get to see my Lord Jesus in person, receive my heavenly body, meet all my family and friends who have gone before me and spend the rest of forever with my God and all my loved ones. Nothing could sound better to me, than to live in the place where there will be no more pain, crying or tears, only love forever. I say “Come quickly, Lord Jesus. Come and take us home.”

#communion #pray #faith #trust #God #belief