The Heart Wants What It Wants!

Please don’t tell me how to feel. Allow me to tell you how I feel. Don’t judge or invalidate my feelings, however difficult they are for you to deal with, they are mine and my particular truth. I am on this journey of working out my emotions, my life, my loss, my future and no one else can do this for me. So please just let me be me and live this experience in my own day.

I did not originally start this blog with the version above. I had planned to write a much harsher “Don’t tell me how to feel!” Then I realized that being unnecessarily blunt was not the way I wanted to go. Two wrongs don’t make a right. However, it still surprises me that many people are very harsh, blunt and offensive to people who are grieving. I am talking about folk who are[BH1] perhaps well-meaning, but completely misguided, telling those who are vulnerable and in pain that they are doing it all wrong. As if the devastation of losing a loved one is not difficult enough, there are some who think there is a correct way to grieve. Their words imply that there is some kind of formula that can be applied to the worst thing that can happen to anyone, to lose a loved one. This is simply not true.

Each and every individual has their own way of dealing with things, from life to death. Can one be uplifted, encouraged, guided through the darkness, along this difficult path? I believe so. Nevertheless, nobody else can walk in my shoes. Even another person who has lost a loved one, had a different experience to mine, because of their uniqueness. They can offer insight as to how they coped, or empathize with my pain of loss, but they cannot, and do not, live inside my head or heart, dealing with my personal situation.

Nothing on this journey of grief has annoyed and frustrated me more than people trying to “encourage” me with platitudes. I know that things will get better… with time. I am not an idiot who does not understand that eventually I will get over this, that I will feel good again… in time. Major point. Time has to pass in order for that to happen! That is how it works, time passes. You cannot skip this step and jump a year or two into the future. This is real life. A person has to move from the point of loss, over time, to the place, in the future, of feeling better. For some people that can take weeks or months, while for others it can take years. Most people get there, but at their own pace.

Even so, when the emotions begin to heal, the person who died is still gone and they cannot be replaced. New people can be added to your life and they will have their own place in your heart, however, they cannot take the place of the loved one who has passed away. Their physical presence may be gone, but they never leave their space in your heart.

In this day and age of instant gratification, it seems to me that people also want instant recovery from deeply agonizing events. So do the people around them. Because caring for the walking wounded is hard. So few folk want to take the time to listen over and over to those who are grieving and mourning the loss of a loved one. It must be hard to listen to, I know, nonetheless it might be the least we can do for each other to show we care. Just be there. Listen. Sympathize. Advice is not necessary, unless requested. Silence can indeed be golden. A comforting smile. An encouraging nod or a gentle squeeze of a caring hand. These can touch an aching heart, when no words will heal.

If you don’t know what to say, say nothing. If you don’t know what to do, do nothing. It is better to be silent and without action, than to cause more anguish to someone who is suffering, in order to relieve your own discomfort. I read something on Facebook once that went like this, “Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates. At the first gate ask yourself is it true? At the second ask is it necessary? At the third gate ask is it kind?” I know that I surely need to put this into practice, in fact I need to tell myself to think before I speak, and then follow these three steps, however I think it is good advice to follow.

So often these days, I find myself in conversation with people, where the goal seems to be who can respond the fastest. Everybody wants to have their say and offer their opinion. Not many individuals listen to hear. A lot of people listen to reply. There is a lot of rhetoric on social media today about mindfulness. Maybe we need to apply that to listening and speaking as well.

Imagine how effective communication would be if everyone spoke thoughtfully and listened with intent, to understand another person’s point of view, not merely to voice their own? I don’t want to be the one who is so busy trying to take the “speck out of my neighbour’s eye, when I cannot see for the log in my own.” I want to start speaking and listening with mindfulness and not simply be an empty barrel, making a lot of noise.

Someone I know, once prayed “God, please help Barbara not to talk so much.” Difficult words to hear, but true. I use my mouth a lot more than my ears, when it should be the other way around. So I am sorry if I have said too much and offended anyone, I am going to try to be more thoughtful and gentle, when offering my opinion. Just because I feel strongly about something, does not mean that I have to lash out at people who are, after all, only trying to help.

Be wise with your words and advice. This is as much for me, as for anyone else. A personal opinion is the lowest form of knowledge, so don’t be in a hurry to show off your ignorance. Unless you have real knowledge about a situation, how to handle it would be best left up to the experts.

I titled this blog piece “The Heart Wants What It Wants,” because my heart still wants Russel. People have told me this is foolish thinking, to just accept that he is gone. Much harder done than said. I miss his companionship, his sense of humour. I miss being able to ask him things about our past, that he remembered so well, and I could not. Dates and places, and people we knew. I long to share with him our love for Aileen, Michael, Gucci and our family. To talk to him about all the things we were going to do together… one day. I wish I could chat to him about everything and nothing, because he accepted, regardless of whether or not he understood.

I recently posted this poem, written by George MacDonald, on my Facebook status, after I found it again in the Order of Service for Russel’s funeral.

Do not hurry as you walk with grief.

It does not help the journey.

Walk slowly,

pausing often.

Do not hurry as you walk with grief.

Be not disturbed

by memories that come unbidden.

Swiftly forgive

and let Christ speak for you unspoken words.

Unfinished conversations will be resolved in him.

Be not disturbed.

Be gentle with the one who walks with grief.

If it is you, be gentle with yourself.

Swiftly forgive, walk slowly, pausing often.

Take time, be gentle,

pausing often.

There are a few things I know that are relevant to me in this poem. I have discovered that I need to forgive myself, more than anyone else, more than Russ. I am hard on myself about all the things I think I did wrong. I was not a good enough wife. I could have done more. I should have fought harder for Russel to live and not let him die. For so much that happened, I feel that I can take the blame. So now I also need to be gentle with me.

I am so glad that I found this poem, because it touched my heart and gave me peace about some things. I keep wanting to tell Russ “stuff” and I received encouragement from the thought that Christ can speak for me unspoken words. “Unfinished conversations will be resolved in him.” I do not walk alone.

As I continue on this journey I will try to “Swiftly forgive, walk slowly, pausing often.” I will take the necessary time to heal, to be gentle with myself, and others, and to pause often. I do not ever want to forget Russel, what he meant to me as a husband, friend and father to my children. I want to honour his memory by living a good and meaningful life. However, knowing all that I have lost in Russ, often brings pain and that I have to live through with each recurring memory.

No matter how difficult, or painful, I want to always remember Russel and believe that, in time, the sorrow will lessen. There is a place in my heart that belongs only to you, Russ. I pray that our Lord will tell you so. I know that you wanted me to go on with life and one day to find love again, because you told me so. I don’t know how to do this without you. But for as long as I live, until I see you in heaven one day, I will try to find my way to happiness once more.

#feelings #grief #pain