Cocooning

A couple of weeks ago, I updated my website. I added some information on the page ‘About Me’ and added the question, “Who Am I Becoming?” I wrote a few paragraphs on how I feel and what I need to do for myself on this journey from married me to the widow me. I have included what I wrote below, as well as further thoughts on my cocooning.

Having gorged myself on grief, over the past few months, since my husband died, I am now feeling vulnerable and afraid. My health has taken a knock after the stress of Russel's terminal illness, over 18 months, resulting in his passing. It was exceedingly difficult to watch someone I love suffering, as Russ did.

Now there is no one to care for me and it is scary to feel sick and alone. On the other hand, I have found it extremely taxing to be around people. I know that we all have to deal with stuff in life, but when I am feeling fragile, other people’s problems also impact me by adding to my stress. I have to take care of myself. That is my responsibility. It is not always easy, because people try to help in their own way, but sometimes it isn't what I need.

Right now I feel a need to cocoon. To retreat to a safe place in which to re-create myself. I want to protect my heart and spirit from any further pain. I believe that my journey to inner healing includes spending time with me and figuring out who I am and who I want to be.

Reality is setting in and I am beginning to accept that Russel is not coming back to me in this life. Earthly, physical death for now, is final. Unless God himself raises a dead person’s body, and allows their spirit to return, they are gone from this place. I do not believe that these spirits wander the earth. I am of the opinion that a believer in Christ will be in heaven the instant their immortal spirit leaves its mortal home. Many may not agree with me and that is their prerogative. This however, is the belief I hold to, and it gives me the hope of seeing Russ again one day. Even so, I miss his presence in my life and continue to mourn his loss.

For the first time in the four months since Russel died, I finally had a dream in which he came back to me. In my night vision, I saw a handsome young man walking down the road. I do not know where we were, but I knew it was Russ, although he looked the way he did at thirty. My heart leapt with joy and I ran to meet him. I was so excited that I ran to tell everyone that Russel was back, dragging him along by the hand to accompany me.

Somehow in the dream I knew that Russ had come back from the dead and that it was a miracle. I wanted to celebrate this incredible event and suggested to Russel that we take a vacation with some friends. Things became a little bizarre at this point, because I dreamt that we were in New York with people I barely knew. But Russ knew them all. We stayed in an awful hotel. I was so disappointed that I went to look at the building from the outside and it was rundown and shabby. Inside the interior was falling apart and there were huge windows with no curtains. I felt as if the whole world was watching us.

Russel seemed to be enjoying the company of these friends and not at all bothered by the horrid hotel. I had booked our stay online and it was nothing like the website photographs. It was probably a lovely place in its Hey Day, but it had not been properly maintained or cared for. I busied myself with finding spare sheets, blankets and towels with which to cover the bare windows.

After a time, I went to look for Russ and our friends said that he had gone for a run and would be back shortly. I called home to check on our children, who were about ages nine and two in this dream. My Mom was babysitting and said that everything was fine, but our son was missing us terribly, and it would be a good idea for Russel and I to go home soon.

Once more I went to find my husband and he was visiting with our friends. I stared at him in shock, as he had aged about twenty six years since he had first returned. Russ looked the way he had when we went to the berg in January 2015. He looked thin and his eyes were sad. I began to cry. I said to him, "What’s wrong?” Russel did not answer me. He turned and looked out of the window. In that instant I knew. Russ was not staying. He was about to leave me again and my heart broke in two. Then I woke up.

I felt devastated. Even though I knew it had only been a night vision, it had felt so real. My heart was crushed with the overwhelming sense of loss once more. I had been longing to dream about Russel, but it was not the way I had hoped it would be. My mind is clearly trying to come to terms with the fact that the death of my husband is irreversible and I have to find a way to accept that truth and live with it.

The people who surround me have moved on and I feel as if I am the only one stuck in my place of loss and mourning. There are times when I just want to be alone, to think about and recall how things were. I know that there were bad times and difficulties, but there were also a multitude of good things. Mostly I try to remember the best parts of my life with Russ. Our wedding and honeymoon. Our first real home and our children. I think about the wonderful holidays we had as a family and all the special occasions we celebrated together. We laughed, I cried. We lived, Russel died. Such a tragedy for one so young, with his zest for life.

There are people who are old and sick, longing to leave this life to be with The Lord. Yet they remain here to struggle and suffer. Then there are young people, like Russel, who desperately want to live and enjoy life on earth. Sadly, due to some kind of tragedy, they die long before their time and even though they did not want to go. I no longer even try to understand. It is simply too hard for my human mind to comprehend this strange truth.

All I do know right now, is that I am still struggling to imagine the rest of my life without Russ. I see the futility of longing for him to come back to me. It is not going to happen. Whatever the reason it was time for Russel to leave this earthly life for eternity, I will never know, I just have to accept that it is so. I have no choice but to find a way to live without him.

As I do daily battle with reality versus my hopes and dreams, my heart is frequently shattered and I have to spend time nursing it back to health. I go into my cocoon and do some self-soothing. I colour and write, while listening to Christian songs. I talk to God and try to hear what He is saying to me. When the world outside becomes too much to bear, I simply withdraw into my protective place and wait on The Lord to comfort me and give me strength.

Spending time with people can be a good thing, under certain circumstances, however it can also be hard. I have found very few who will come with me to my painful place and sit with me there, quietly sharing my grief. Everybody wants to fix me and nobody can. It is a process and I have to work through it. So mostly I walk this path alone, but not completely, because God is with me. Sometimes I cannot feel His Love or His Presence, but I draw on my faith to believe that He is with me, whether I feel it or not.

Within my cocoon I find peace and quiet. I can remember with joy, or mourn my loss with tears. In this save place I am able to pray and meditate on The Word. Mostly I am undisturbed by the chaos of the world in my protective bubble. I do believe that the time will come, when I am able to adapt to a new normal and I will need my cocoon less. Perhaps the day will arrive when I can break out and fly away like a butterfly to a life I can only dream about for now. It is my hope and prayer that God will set me free from the pain of the past, never to forget, but still to live and to do so abundantly!

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