My Safety Net

Few people in my life know about the ongoing struggle I have had with depression since I was a teenager. I did not know what depression was when I was young, but I remember at times feeling so down that I had suicidal thoughts. It is only in the last few years that I have discovered that what I felt back then was depression and the effect it has had on my outlook and attitude to life.

Trying to move on since Russel’s passing, has been made so much more difficult by the depression. This is something that I think many people don’t know or understand about how each of us copes with challenging situations. For some people, moving on after the death of a loved one, takes the general course of coping with such painful things and they are able to mourn and grieve, but still function well. However, there are those of us, who live with depression and are not able to follow the natural route to dealing with grief and loss. For us this process is complicated and not made any easier by people who do not understand depression to start with. Their expectations add to our stress and cause greater anxiety and depression. We don’t feel normal and we often don’t react to situations “normally”, but we are fully aware of this, so we don’t need anyone else pointing it out to us.

Until the time of Russel’s battle with cancer and his own ensuing brush with depression, he had never truly understood what I was going through. That said, he did accept that who I was and how I dealt with things was part of my personality in a sense, and he was supportive of the difficulties and challenges I faced in coping with my depression. Even when he did not understand, Russ still accepted. He was my safety net.

From the beginning of our relationship, Russel provided well for us financially. He made some mistakes, but we recovered and carried on as before. I did not work full-time for most of our marriage. There were a couple of jobs here and there for short periods of time. But Russ was our primary bread winner and since he loved his job and made a good living, it was not necessary for me to be concerned about our financial affairs. Russel took care of everything, even when we lived on separate continents.

It was not that I did nothing, but I was free to explore many opportunities that came my way and still be mostly a stay-at-home wife and mother. It suited me to live this way, because I had found taking care of myself financially, and being bound to an office job, very stressful. I made pottery, sold accessories and eventually found a good, half-day job before Russ moved to America. I could cope with life, because Russel bore the financial burden. He was a workaholic and was quite happy to take care of his family financially, as long as he was able to do the things he loved as well. His career as a dental technician was at the top of that list. I put all my trust in Russ to take care of our family finances and it was not unfounded. He took good care of us. Because Russel was prepared to take on that role, it lifted a great deal of stress off me and I was able to contribute to our home in many different but important ways, but I did not have to financially take care of us alone.

Even though neither of us fully understood my issues, Russ was sensitive enough to accept all my quirks and unusual ways as part of who I am. He knew that there was a limit to the pressure I could cope with and even though I was still quite efficient in my daily life and tasks when I was younger, sometimes I did feel overwhelmed with too much stress and often got sick when I overdid things.

When we did not have help in our home and the responsibilities of all the cleaning and cooking etc. fell on me, Russel did not expect me to go out and take on a full-time job as well. His own time was limited due to long working hours, so he encouraged me to work part-time, so that I could still feel like a good wife, home-maker and mother. Over the years Russ had learned what I could cope with and what I could not.

During the times in America, when I was so far away from our family, especially our children, I really struggled and the depression went deep. Russ did his best to be there for me and if I had felt unable to cook supper on a day, he would buy a pizza or if I was up to it, we would pop down to a place where we enjoyed the food. Sometimes we bought food that was ready made at the store and ate it for days. Never bothered Russel in the least. He could eat the same thing for five days in a row and never complained.

Now that Russ is gone, I feel as if I am in this high, scary place and the only way to get down is jump. But I have no safety net. I have to jump into life in ways that have not been my responsibility for twenty seven years. Now I have to look at getting a proper job and it is frightening. I have to take care of my finances and manage my spending. I need to make sure that I have a reliable car and a decent place to stay. All of these things Russel and I would have talked about, but he made a lot of these decisions for us and I was fine with that.

How I wish that I could talk to him now and ask his advice on certain things. If I go to the UK to work, should I take Gucci? What if I can’t take her with me, do I leave her behind with my folks. Should I rather move to Upington to be close to Aileen and Quinten. So many decisions I am struggling to make, that I would have talked to Russ about and he would have encouraged me to go in the direction I was leaning towards and he would have supported me in whatever choice I made.

I feel safe in my little cottage right now, but I don’t know how much longer I can afford to stay here without getting a well-paid permanent job. The thought of having to move is scary. This little place has become my home. It is familiar to me and I share memories of Russ here. I don’t even know if I would be able to physically or emotionally cope with a move. I feel so fragile most of the time. Battling my depression and the horrid ear thing.

Oh Russ, how I wish you were here to be my safety net. You were never scared or worried about anything. I knew that you would take care of us no matter what. But you could not beat death, which robbed us both in so many ways. Death cut short your young life and because it was you death took, I am left to struggle on alone. I know I can’t have you back, but I would if I could, in a heartbeat. I miss you every day and love you more than I thought possible. All I can do is cling to Jesus and pray that he will see me through.