Living With No Regrets

I have not previously posted this photograph. When Russel was sick, I tried to post the most positive and uplifting photos of Russ, until near the end when I could no longer bear to show people the way he looked. The last picture I did post on Facebook, was of Aileen sitting on the bed with Russel holding his hand. It was a precious moment between a daughter and her dying father, but so incredibly wretched.

This photograph of our friend, Mark with Russ, was taken a few weeks before Russel passed away. I never posted the picture because of the pained look on Russel’s face. I was not blogging at the time, and no one knew, the heartache Russ was feeling to see a dear, long-time friend. I recall Russel saying something like “Oh Mark …” and started to cry. It was a deeply sad, but profoundly poignant moment between two old friends.

I was deeply touched by the gentle and loving spirit that Mark showed towards Russ. Some men might have felt embarrassed and awkward, trying to cover up and quickly change the subject when Russel cried. Others would have tried to joke and jostle him out of his tearful emotion. Mark did not. He embraced Russ and spoke kind and thoughtful words to him. Mark showed such maturity in allowing Russel to openly express his feelings and validated them with his acceptance.

When Russ had settled down again, the two men began to talk about old times. Russel and Mark had always got along well. Both being athletic, they had outdoor interests in common, as well as enjoying a good sense of humour. Karen, Mark’s wife, and I, have been friends since high school. When we were all young and lived in Springs, we spent many wonderful times together. After Russ left for America, those occasions were few and far between.

After the initial emotional moment for Russel, he sat up and chatted happily, appreciating the company. The four of us had a great afternoon taking a trip down memory lane, back to the days when we were all young married couples. We remembered the fun and laughter we had at our games evenings, and the delightful dinners we shared with other mutual friends, as our families grew up together.

After a time, the conversation caught up to more current events and Mark told us a very interesting story about how he got bumped up to business class on one of his overseas flights. When he finished, Russ turned to me and said, “Hen, tell Karen and Mark how we managed to get on a business class flight when we came home.” Well, everyone who knows me knows that I love to talk and tell people things. So I began to regale our friends with the saga of our trip, starting with some background information before getting to the actual upgrading of our flights.

Halfway through my tale, Russel holds up his hand for me to stop talking. Turning to Mark he says, “So sorry this story is taking so long.” Well, we all burst out laughing and much to my delight, Mark replied, “It’s okay Russ, Barbs tells a good story!” I finished telling our friends the account of our trip and after a lovely afternoon together, it was time for them to leave.

Afterwards, Russ and I sat drinking coffee and discussing the day, so pleased that Karen and Mark had come to visit. We both expressed the fact that due to his illness, Russel and I had lots of regrets about things we had done during the years of our marriage. But we also talked about regretting what we had not done.

While Russ had enjoyed his years in Florida, he had missed out on time with his family and friends in South Africa. He felt that regret so intensely when they came to visit him while he was ill. Russel wished he had spent more time with me and our children. He regretted doing so few of the things we had always talked about doing. I had wanted to take more holidays and do some travelling together, which never happened. Russ lived in The States for fourteen years and saw very little outside of Florida, except for his very first visit in 2000.

Russel had lived life on his own terms for many years. He spent most of his fourteen years in a condo, in a lovely complex, pretty much as a bachelor. He did share his space with Michael, me, and two of our cats at various times over the years, but mostly Russ did his own thing. He was an absolute workaholic and completely undaunted by starting his work day at three or four in the morning.

Besides work, Russel loved to run, cycle, fly his kite, go to the beach and do kite-boarding. He was very much an outdoors man. Russ did take up some retail therapy, after the discovery of the melanoma on his arm and the operation. Those who know us, are aware that I still have boxes filled with unworn T-shirts and Jeans that became Russel’s obsession.

If anyone had asked me how Russ lived his life, I would have shared these words sung by Frank Sinatra, from ‘My Way,’ “And now, the end is near; And so I face the final curtain. My friend, I’ll say it clear, I’ll state my case, of which I’m certain. I’ve lived a life that’s full. I’ve traveled each and every highway; And more, much more than this, I did it my way.”

Suddenly faced with his impending mortality, Russ realized that everything he had been chasing was just fluff. He had missed out on deep and meaningful relationships with his wife, daughter and son. Russel had replaced us with his “work family” and he longed for them a great deal when he returned to South Africa. He often used to call some of them on the phone, as well as other friends he had made. I cried when I heard the emotion in his voice, as Russ longed for people he had left behind in America.

It was in those moments, that I felt even more alone than when Russel had left me to go to America. The whole plan had been a mess, and I really did not want to join him there, even though I tried to make the best of the situation. Now we were back home because of his illness and all he wanted to do was go back to Florida.

Russ regretted going and he regretted coming back. He wished that we had taken all the holidays we had spoken about. Russel was angry with himself that he had not gone to have the mole checked long before it became a Melanoma. Russ wanted desperately to live, and he was stuck on a path which, without divine intervention, was going to lead to him leaving this earthly life.

Oh the regrets, we both had many, never mind a few. People tell us to live in the moment, to enjoy each day as it comes along. I can now tell you from personal experience that we do not, nor do we fully appreciate what we have until it is gone. Few people will recognize this truth until they are in a situation that brings its own epiphany. Sad. If only we did not all have to learn these hard things for ourselves, but if we could learn from the experience of others we might save ourselves some heartache.

If I could somehow go back and speak to my younger self, at an age where I might truly understand, I would encourage the young Barbara to live true to her heart. I would say, “Don’t seek love, be love, and it will come to you. Work on being the best person you can be, so that one day when you marry you will already be a whole, healthy person and not need anyone to complete you.” I would tell her “To enjoy each day and not analyze too much or try to plan too far into the future. Have more fun. Sing and dance in the rain. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Above all, do not have expectations of people and then you will never be disappointed. Simply accept them as they are and love them, flaws and all.”

Ah yes, regrets … I’ve had a few …

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