The One Who Isn't There

Ten days have passed since my last blog. I have been unable to get the last weekend I spent with Russ at the Drakensberg out of my mind. As I looked at the photographs, I wanted to say to Russ, “Whatever happened to that piece of wood you collected from the stream?” I don’t know where it went and now I wish we had kept it and I had done something special with it.

Russel had so much fun poking about in the streams with his stick. “Looking for diamonds,” he said. We both had a good laugh and I wished he had found one, just to make his day. Everything had been an adventure to Russ on this last trip, no longer able to do one-day long hikes, he took pleasure in our strolls around the lovely hotel grounds. We chatted about all the changes that had taken place at the hotel over the years since we had married.

For many years, it was a wonderful family hotel. They had a special children’s Dining Room and daily planned activities, so that the adults could enjoy a little free time together, while the young ones were being entertained. We ate off the menu and since the staff changed very little over those early years, we got to know the waiters very well. In fact, we were also quite friendly with two sets of managers who came and went during the last twenty seven years.

Now it is a little more upmarket, with luxury suites and a beauty spa, as well as a conference centre and wedding venue. They have added self-catering chalets, for the not-so-rich, who still want to enjoy an affordable holiday in this perfect spot. We had reminded each other that we had stayed in almost every type of accommodation available at the hotel over the years, including the chalets. Such a rich history of shared pleasure at Russel’s Happy Place.

I looked at the photo of Russ with the Cycad, which had grown so much since our first visit on Honeymoon in 1988. I had said to him a year ago, “Oh my word, it has grown so big I did not recognize it.” I wished we had taken a pic of Russ alongside it all those years ago, so that we could have compared the two now.

Since Champagne Castle Hotel is one of the sites I have liked on Facebook, their posts pop up frequently on my page. I have been tempted to hide them, because the pain of loss is immediate every time I see photographs of that beautiful place. But I don’t remove them. They are a constant reminder of Russel and I never want to forget, however painful the remembrance might be. Today they were advertising the special that Russ and I took advantage of last year and how I longed to say to him, “Let’s go to the berg for a few days”.

How wonderful it would have been to sit together once more looking at the stunning view of the Drakensberg or to walk the rocky paths sharing our experiences of the beauty together. We would have talked about everything, from the tiny veld flowers, regal Proteas, and babbling brooks, tumbling over rocks, almost impatient in their hurry to get to the river, to the majestic mountain grandeur.

I never go to a Mugg and Bean without recalling the many times you and I shared a breakfast there together. I have memories from every Mugg and Bean coffee shop in our area and beyond. I recall how delighted we were to find one at Harrismith. Our weekend away would not have been complete without the two of us sharing and enjoying our favourite breakfast. I went last weekend with Michael, Grant, Ronan and Jarrod. We talked about the movie and I wish you could have been part of the conversation, or that I could have talked to you about it when I got home. But I was all alone.

I cannot look at a rock, a bird, a flower or a stormy sky, without wanting to talk to you about what I see Russ. Sometimes I am sad and lonely, longing for you to be here with me and I can’t tell you, because I am alone. I would like to chat to you about working with Deb and creating websites. I want to show you cute pictures of Phoebe that Aileen and Quinten send me. I wish you could have met the bunnies. Russel, sometimes there are things that I only want to tell you and you are not here to talk to. So sad.

This evening, while I was sitting in my lounge typing this blog, I looked out of the window in my lounge which faces west. In the sky above the branches of a small tree, I could see the most beautiful golden clouds. I quickly grabbed my phone to go and take some photographs of this glorious sunset, outside our cottage. In times past, I would have shared the photo with Russ and we would have exclaimed over its beauty together. I miss not being able to do that so much. I look forward to the day when we see each other again and we can catch up on all the news. I will tell you everything that happened here on earth and you can tell me everything about heaven. What a wonderful day that will be! Longing to see you. Love, your Hen xo