It Is What It Is ...

This is a favourite saying of mine, “it is what it is” and I use it often. When I found this quote on Facebook and the line continued “but it will be what you make it”, it was a lightbulb revelation for me. I realized in that moment that it does not stop there, at simply being what it is. I have the power to change it into something else.

So while the fact is that Russel has gone to heaven, it does not mean the end of my life story. Russ passing is the end of a chapter. My story continues and starts with a fresh chapter. What I do with that new beginning determines whether or not I honour Russel in my attitude to being alive and also accepting that there is a reason I am still here.

Russ was a person who enjoyed life and he so much wanted to continue his earthly journey, but sadly he did not get to choose. At first, I envied that Russel had gone to heaven, where I so long to be, and I was left behind to grieve and struggle on alone. Slowly, over these days and weeks, I am beginning to see this as a gift and a chance to do something with my life. If my passage through the valley of mourning can help someone else cope with the pain and loss, I will feel blessed.

In these days of quick fixes and instant gratification, we have been socialized to think we can no longer take the time to truly feel and embrace our emotions, including those that are difficult, such as grief, pain, loss or anguish. Each of us as a compassionate human being cannot merely “allow” others to experience these feelings, but to own them. Simply because an emotion is negative, it does not mean that the person has become or is negative. They are simply being real and allowing themselves the opportunity to heal properly, not merely slapping a Band-aid over a gaping, festering wound.

One of the reasons I have discovered that it is difficult for people to be around those who grieve, is because they don’t really know what to do or say. It is hard to watch someone cry, knowing they are in pain, emotional turmoil and angst and not know how to comfort them. To take the pain away and make it all better. Some people need or would like to be hugged or have someone hold their hand. I prefer to be left alone, so I do most of my grieving in private. That is who I am and to each his own.

I have been taught these truths by my wonderful Hospice grief counselor, Anneliese, who has encouraged me to take the time to truly own and feel my emotions, both positive and negative. I had been in the habit of beating myself up over things, even having a good day could end up in a bad day, because I felt guilty about feeling happy. Somehow I had got the message that while I am mourning Russel’s passing, I have to feel sad and miserable all the time. Not only is this not natural, but it is not helpful.

Once the initial shock of loss and deep agonizing pain begins to subside, the grief often comes in waves. You can ride the wave, be overwhelmed by it or allow it to flow around you, while embracing the experience. People who are allowed to be real about their emotions and flow with them are more likely to deal with those feelings, which leads to healing. Buried emotions fester and can become a suppurating sore. Undealt with feelings can cause inward physical harm and they could possibly explode later in an unrelated situation.

Anneliese explains it like this, “Sit with those feelings”. I understand this to literally mean feel, experience and flow with the pain, loss or anger. Cry, wail, shout, but get those overwhelming emotions out. As the wave of grief ebbs away it leaves in its wake a release, a relief and a cleansing of difficult feelings, for the most part. I often feel tired, wrung out and lifeless, but quiet. Many times, that emotional exhaustion allows me to sleep well and it is then mostly in the morning that I feel refreshed, renewed and often some inner healing.

Depending on the emotion that has been dealt with, I can sometimes feel residual anger, sadness or loneliness. This also governs the area of healing. If one particular emotion is embraced more than any of the others, that is where I find most of my healing taking place. If another emotion overwhelms me occasionally, but forcefully, then I find that is where I am struggling to come to terms with things. I still have issues with anger. I am angry that Russel left me and went to America. That he did not listen when I wanted him to get his mole checked. I am angry that by the time Russ had the mole checked, it was a Melanoma. I am angry that he did not want to try everything he could and that I did not push him harder. Mostly I am angry that Russel died and left me yet again.

Anger is such an ugly feeling, I don’t like to go there. When I open that Pandora’s box, a great deal of awfulness spews forth and then I frequently end up with guilt, shame and disappointment in myself for allowing the anger to consume me. I know I need to get it out, because it is eating me alive and I don’t know what to do with it. The person I am angry at is not even there to defend himself or to do one single thing about it. But the anger is there, whether I like it or not and I need to deal with it.

At those times I am reminded of the guiding light of Anneliese. Her wisdom shines forth in gentleness and validation for my emotions. She constantly reminds me that it is all normal and natural in a situation of loss and grief. The path of mourning is not a straight line, it is governed by obstacles. These can represent undealt with issues. We are all faced with choices, such as going around, over, under or through. Each obstacle must be dealt with and the method determines the direction of the path. Avoiding an obstacle, usually means it will crop up again somewhere further down the line.

As we travel this journey, confronting the challenges and finding ways to deal with them, we not only begin to heal, but our character grows and strengthens. We find inner resources that we never knew existed and for those who know God, it often draws us nearer to Him. When we are weak, He is strong and without us realizing it, very often He carries us through.

#journey #mourning #path #grieving #emotion #feelings