Walking In My Shoes

I found this lovely picture on the very night that I was preparing this blog entry and it said what my words were trying to say. People who care about you, clearly want to help and they only want what is best for you. But that is the difficult part in any traumatic situation, what is best for you? Ultimately, only you know, deep down inside.

The truth of the matter is that we ourselves may not know what is best for us at first. Especially during a time which I shall call “mushy brain”. This is when circumstances have become so difficult, that it is very hard to focus on anything. The brain seems to be thinking of everything and nothing, all at the same time. I found myself forgetting to do more things than remembering to do them. I also could not take in much and was only able to do one task at a time.

Sometimes, in these situations, other people who are in control of their lives, want to help you to take control of your life and help you sort things out. Often though, this adds to the load of the already stressed brain and makes things more difficult, not easier. Many caring, well-meaning folk, will advise a person on how to live their life.

I was advised to get out more, walk and breathe in some fresh air. Easier said than done when it was all I could do to drag myself out of bed and put some semi-decent clothes on. Very often with or without a shower, which could be for days. I could have been quite smelly for a time, but I don’t actually know because nobody said anything. I had not put on make-up for months and I continued not to for a long time.

Someone advised me to set myself a routine. Get up early. Get dressed and have breakfast at a certain time. Set out a timetable for things that needed to be done. Quite honestly at the beginning of my grieving, I would have had to put brush my hair and clean my teeth on the list. It simply took all my willpower and energy, just to get up at all.

There were days when all I wanted to do was stay in bed and continue to live in dreamland. It was preferable to the pain of reality and the harshness of life. This was also because many nights, sleep would not come until the early hours of the morning and I was still utterly exhausted at the time deemed reasonable to get up.

This is where professional help is so valuable. It may seem strange that I needed it, but I was given “permission” to feel the way I was feeling. It was okay to occasionally want to stay in bed and do nothing all day, except miss my husband and long for his presence.

It was just fine not to have a routine and simply do what I was able to on any given day. If I set myself tasks, I needed to be gentle with myself and not get upset over not getting things done, but to tell myself that I could do them another day. The world was not going to come to a standstill because I had not bought any airtime or if my grey roots were showing. These were often the moments when others could help me and did. If I needed airtime, my daughter bought it, sent it to me and then I paid her later. Instead of fretting about tinting my hair, I treated myself with a visit to the hairdresser.

Getting out of “mushy brain” mode and more back to normal has taken time and sometimes I relapse. Just like the rest of this grieving journey, it is a process. I am learning once more to write things down and note important dates and events on my calendar. That way I am forgetting less things and relieving my stress. I am also getting more done and experiencing a sense of accomplishment.

I am trying to say that, with some professional and good guidance, you can find out exactly what is best for you and what you need to do get your life onto an even keel. “You have to do what is right for yourself, nobody else is walking in your shoes.”

Anneliese has not forced me down a “one-size fits all” path, but rather she has listened to what I have said and guided me towards a self-caring place. She has shown me how to self-soothe and channel my grief into moments, not days. To feel my emotions fully and embrace them.

It is through acknowledging my pain of loss in full force that I have been devastated and wailed until I had no tears left to cry. And yet, each time the agony of that moment lessens in its brutality and does not last as long as it did before. Day by day, tear by tear, I feel the beginning of a healing within. I can recall memories without crying through every one of them. I can speak Russel’s name without hurting inside.

If I know one thing for sure right now, it is that I am doing what is right for me, because I am walking in my shoes, nobody else. I need to take care of me and one of the ways I do that, is to lean on God. In the beginning I believe my Heavenly Father was carrying me. Now I feel like He is holding my hand and walking with me. He is my strength when I am weak and when I fall He helps me up and holds me close. I am so grateful that I do not walk this path alone. The Light of the World is guiding me on my way.

#mushybrain #myshoes #selfcare