Light At The End Of The Tunnel

Another great session with my grief counselor. Anneliese is amazing. She is able to shine a light at the end of my dark tunnel to show me the way thru. What a blessing!

Grief is not a specific path that is walked by every person who has lost a loved one. Each person takes their own journey through "the valley of the shadow of death" (Psalm 23:4).

It is a process and it is far from exact. Sometimes it feels as if I am taking one step forward and three steps back. My emotions wander off in many directions and when they return I am in a different place.

I cannot even seem to followed the predicted steps in dealing with a trauma, from denial to anger and so on to acceptance. I frequently vacillate between denial and anger. I have struggled with depression for years and that was in the mix before this journey began.

There are days when it feels as if I am accepting my situation and moving on, only to be caught off-guard by a memory that plunges me back into that place of deep grief and mourning. Sometimes I am assailed by anger and rage, at the events that have brought me to the place, and even many things that do not seem in any way related to my situation.

Some temporary relief is to be found in busyness, but work is not a panacea for dealing with deep pain and loss. It merely takes your mind off your grief momentarily. As Annelise explained to me, it is important to take the time, and do the work, that is required to deal with the pain of loss as it happens.

Pushing those emotions aside and not working through them, causes the healing process to be delayed, because they will return to affect you when least expected, in ways you never imagined. Feelings cannot be governed into control, they can only be processed.

Plans should be flexible to incorporate the unforseen. There are no hard and fast rules for dealing with grief, as each individual experiences things differently and heals at their own pace.

Anneliese has advised me to take as much time as I need and to walk this path in my own way. If I want to be alone and cry then it is my right to do so. Sometimes I want to be around people and other times I don't. All of this is okay and normal, as long as I don't start camping in one place for too long. Withdrawing completely is not healthy and not healing in the long term. Normal is different for each person and loved ones and friends need to respect boundaries.

Advice is useful if it is requested or sought after, but not if it is foisted upon a person. Most people hate to be told what to do, unless they have asked for help. Unless someone is trained to assist a bereaved person, the best they have to offer is their opinion and an idea of what would work for themselves. No one knows how they will feel or respond under similar circumstances, so it is better not to force ideas and solutions on others, unless you have walked a mile in their shoes.

If you want to reach out to someone who is mourning the loss of a loved one, be a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold. Don't offer advice unless asked and you can always ask the bereaved what they would like from you. Sometimes people want to talk about the person who has passed. Let them. Others may not feel the same, so respect their wishes too.

Platitudes are not a real comfort. Most mourners know that the pain will ease in time and the situation will improve and become easier to live with. But often hurt cuts deep and healing can take a long time. People who are grieving must be allowed to cope at their own pace. If the situation looks really bad and a person appears to be stuck, then rather guide them to professional help, instead of making an awful situation worse by thinking you know how to fix them or what is going to make them feel better.

The best thing I could have done for myself was to seek grief counseling with a professional and I am so glad I did. Anneliese is helping me to set myself free, so that I can cut my tether to the past and fly away to paradise. The hard part is getting others to see that I am getting all the help I need and to get them to respect my boundaries and let me grieve in my own way, at my own pace.

#mourning #grief #loss #light #journey #path