One Month In Heaven

Today Russ, one month has passed since you went to heaven. It has been a difficult time, learning to accept that you are gone and how to live without you. I miss your sense of humour and your quirkiness. So much has happened that I would have talked to you about, but cannot. I am fortunate to have a wonderful grief counselor, who listens and hears me and she is helping me to figure out a new way to live a new normal. It is hard, because I want, just as you did, to go back to the time before the Melanoma Cancer and to take care of things before they became the dreadful disease that took you from me. Sadly, as you and I discovered excruciatingly painfully, that you cannot un-spill milk. We could not turn back time, or have a re-do, undo or do-over. It simply is what it is and as the “cancer survivor” in our marriage I am here and I must go on. I pray that God will reveal His purpose for my life and the reason I am the one still here. If I could, I would have it all back, 27 years of marriage and the time before that, except that I would want you to be well. But I cannot have you back as much as I would like it to be so. I know I will see you again one day. Until then, I have to let you go so that I can un-tether myself from the past, and move forward into the future, not to remain stuck in the place of “I wish it was…” You own a piece of my heart and I will not forget you. Above all, to honour your memory, I will try to live the life I know you would have wanted me to have. I love you. Your Hen forever xoxo

#loss #grief #mourning #heaven