Healing Path

This was my third visit with my Hospice Grief Counselor, Anneliese. What an amazing person. So gentle and loving, with such insight. She completely met me at my point of need and has been guiding me through this difficult time.

Anneliese did music therapy with me today. I listened to a piece of music and then I drew the images that the particular piece she had chosen invoked in me. As I sat with my eyes closed, the first picture I saw in my mind’s eye, was a bird, trying to fly away from a desolate place, but it was tethered to a dead tree and unable to get free. At the bottom of the tree, on the bare, lifeless soil, lay a broken heart. Mine!

In the distance, I could see birds who were freely flying in the sky above what looked like paradise. There was a beautiful golden sun, giving the warmth of its rays to the trees, bushes, flowers and grass. There was one small, puffy cloud, which held the promise of needed rain and moisture for the earth and to keep the little brook flowing with water. This was the place my heart longed to be. Somewhere full of life and abundance, beauty and with hope for a future.

As Anneliese and I discussed my drawing, it became clear to me that no one had tied me to the tree. It was I who was holding onto the past. In my brokenness I was clinging to memories of Russ and the life we had together. Fear of an uncertain future and walking an untrodden path alone, kept me captive in the place of what had once been. It was an easy, comfortable place, because it was known and I had a companion to walk alongside and share that path with me.

It was not always good, or happy or even the right thing for both of us, but it was our life, the one we had chosen to live together until death us should part. Suddenly that had happened, death had split us apart and I no longer had someone to talk to, share things with and who would help me make decisions. In that moment, it was all up to me and I did not want to go on without Russ. So I was remembering our history together, with our precious children and family, clinging to all that was familiar and safe.

I began to realise, during my counseling, that if I kept looking back instead of forward, I would be stuck in that place for a long time. I had tethered myself to a tree that could no longer nourish or support me, all the while longing to be free, to truly live and not merely exist.

Inside I also felt that if I cut the tie that bound me to Russel, who was represented by the dead tree, I would be turning my back on all we once had and shared together. In a way, it was like dishonouring his memory to live and be happy without him.

As I talked with Anneliese, I began to realise that Russ was not the kind of person who would want me to be miserable for the rest of my days on earth. Of all people, he would want me to live the life I had always dreamed of having and to find my own happiness. He had told me so many times during his illness, but I did not take it in. For twenty-seven years of marriage, I had lived Russel’s life. I had felt it my duty as his wife to support him and follow Russ wherever he would lead us, even if I did not always agree.

It is very difficult to break the habit of putting someone else before yourself, when you have been doing it for twenty-seven years. This was a life-changing moment. I knew, that if I wanted to truly honour Russel’s life, it would be to make the most of my time left here on earth and not to squander it in self-pity and constantly feeling sorry for myself.

This does not mean that I no longer mourn or grieve, that don’t miss Russ every day and wish he was still part of my life. I do, and I will for a long, long time. But now at least, I feel I can go on. That perhaps my existence here on this planet has meaning and a purpose, which I am yet to discover.

I still cry often, but there are more moments than whole days of grief, despair and loneliness. I talk to him now, even though I know he can’t answer me. I tell him the things I want him to know and believe that somehow he might hear and even smile or laugh at the things I say.

Whatever the future may bring, I can see a golden lining around the dark cloud above me and I know there is hope. Not only in this life, but in the eternal life to come. I will see Russel again one day in heaven. I also do not walk this path alone, Christ is with me and He is my hope and my future. His love will carry me through.

On this day, I wrote the following on Facebook :

Such an amazing session with my grief counselor today! Learning how to take the healing path from loss, hopelessness & desolation to new life. God is Good!!

#grief #loss #mourning