How To Say Goodbye

This day was chosen as the day to celebrate Russel’s life and his Jouney to Heaven. It had not been my choice to have a Memorial Service so soon after Russel’s passing. I wanted time to do something fitting to celebrate someone who had once been so full of life. I was pressured into having a service more quickly than I wanted, because it suited other people. This made it very difficult for me, as I was already exhausted from weeks of little sleep, taking care of Russ, and I could not think straight.

What made it even more untenable were two things. Russel and I had discussed what he wanted to happen after his passing and we agreed on two things. The first was that Russ wanted to be cremated and his ashes scattered at Champagne Castle. The second was that the service we would have was to be of my choosing, since that is meant for the people left behind who mourn their loved one’s passing. This was Russel’s gift to me, that as his wife, I could decide how, when, where and what we would have to honour his life and grieve his death.

I felt robbed of that choice by the selfishness of others. Even though in hindsight, it probably was best for all that we had a Memorial when we did, so that those who wanted to find closure could do so, it still rankled long after the day, that Russel and I, who were the two most involved in his life, illness and passing, were denied our mutually agreed upon decision.

On top of all these emotional wounds, was some physical pain that I had to cope with. Two days before the Memorial Service, rushing about to get everything done in time, I took a bad fall and really hurt both of my knees. I remember crying so much that night, knowing in my heart that Russ would have been angry that I was hurting in so many ways and I could not even tell him, as I had always done. He would have been so upset that the thoughtlessness of others had caused me so much distress. I will also bear those physical scars of that time, not only the emotional ones.

Ultimately, we had a beautiful Memorial Service, which I felt honoured the life of a man who had lived well and enjoyed his life before he became ill, and even though he was taken from us far too soon. Many heartfelt thoughts were spoken about Russel by my father, my daughter and other family members, but I cannot offer their words as my own.

The following is the Eulogy I wrote for my husband :

My Russ

During the years I was married to Russel, it became apparent to both of us over time, that we did not have a lot in common. He was an outdoors man and I was a bookworm. He loved the sun and surf and I needed shade and a breeze. Russ loved to run, swim, cycle and in the these last few years, to fly his kite. I liked to be indoors, watching TV, with the aircon on so cold, Russel frequently used to ask me “are we hanging meat in here?”

We were so different, each with our unique personalities, quirks and flaws, that neither of us thought we had married our soul mates. Russel realised he had married a couch potato, with a penchant for the dramatic and who seemed to constantly want his company or attention. I realised that I was married to someone who loved to be active, busy and doing his thing. Russ thoroughly enjoyed working, he loved being a dental technician more than anything else. It was not just a job, or a career, it was his passion and he was really good at it.

The reasons we chose each other for marriage, we came to know over time. I was looking for a man who was stable, gentle, even-tempered and who did not smoke or drink. At the top of my list, was someone who would love Aileen as his own, which Russ did from the start. The first night they were “officially” introduced to each other. He brought her a box of smarties and Aileen promptly brought all her toys to the lounge and sat on Russel’s lap to play and show him her favourite things.

I have such beautiful memories of watching them walk, hand-in-hand to go perhaps to the café to buy milk, Aileen staring up adoringly at her Dad, her long hair bouncing as they walked and I knew that he was asking her what sweeties she would like to get. I had wondered why Russ married a woman who already had a child? He said to me that had always wanted to meet and marry someone who had a child. It was all part of his life plan.

I desperately wanted a good father for Aileen and to be a family and to have more children. Russel was quite content to be this little nucleus family of three. But when I set my mind to something that is important to me, I will move heaven and earth to make it happen. And so it was that Michael was born and became another special part of our lives. Russ adored his son and he was very proud of the young man Michael has become. One thing Russ and I often talked about, was how blessed we were to have two of the most amazing children on earth.

Through the twenty seven years we were married, Russel and I had many ups and downs, as most couples do, but we remained committed to each other, even though at times we were separated by continents and oceans. When Russ had his brain seizure nearly eighteen months ago, I got something I had wanted for many years, more time with Russel and I to spend together, but not the way I imagined.

We were together 24/7 under the most difficult circumstances and ones I never believed would be part of our lives. Russ was always so strong, fit and healthy that I thought he would long outlive me. It was not to be, and I stand here before you today, having realised that all along I was married to my soul mate. He was my friend, he was my protector, my confidante, my provider, the father of my children and more than anything, I know he loved me a great deal, in his own way. Not the soppy, romantic kind of love I had wanted in marriage, but in a such a way that right now, I do not merely have a hole in my heart, but a great empty chasm, that Russel used to fill.

He was concerned and thinking about what I was going thru, as I took care of him, especially in those last weeks. There were times when I would be huffing and puffing like a steam engine after doing some of the more difficult tasks I had to do while taking care of him and he would be patting my arm saying “Rest Hen, rest!”

So many people thought that I took care of Russ with a selfless love, but it was not so. My love was completely selfish, I did not want to let him go. Each day that he was with me, was another day to believe for a miracle. Our whole family prayed and believed for Russel to have a complete physical healing and I presented our request to God in every way I knew how, with thousands of tears. But in the end, God took him home.

When Russ was not healed, it broke my heart, but on this journey we did receive two impossible miracles. Throughout these seventeen months, Russ did not suffer with a great deal of pain and in the last few weeks he had no pain at all. So incredible, that I truly thought the healing was coming.

The other was an answer to a twenty seven year-long prayer, that Russel would find his way to Christ, so that all of his family would have the peace and joy of knowing we would see him again one day in heaven for all eternity. A few weeks before his passing, Russ did just that and accepted Jesus into his heart. I know he had a great deal of peace after that, because he told me so.

Many people hate others talking about salvation at a service for someone who has passed away. But honestly, what better time? One gift Russel can still impart to all of you, is to say, “Don’t wait. Seek God now, before it is too late. He brings peace and comfort beyond all imagining to the one who surrenders their soul to Christ, but also gives peace of mind to the family who are left behind, knowing that they will all be together again one day in heaven.”

We did not get the healing miracle we sought here on earth, but I firmly believe that Russ has received it in heaven. He is probably gardening with his Mom and I know he is running, with a strong, young healthy body and now he is even flying without wings.

I know without a doubt that Russel will be waiting there for me when it is my turn to go home. But for now I say to you my Russ ~ I love you. I will see you again. This is not goodbye. I let you go to fly, fly like an untethered kite, strong and free. Fly.